Men who are afraid to make a commitment

We often help our patrons with their lifestyle problems and, of course, two most popular categories for asking questions are relationships and health/fitness. We recently helped Cathy, a client of ours from Maine, and are publishing her case since we find that it will be of interest to a broader audience. She wrote, "I am dating a wonderful man who has two teenage children. My children are young adults. He has been separated/divorced for about 2 years. I have been divorced 7 years and my children have met my date. We have been dating 9 months. How long should we wait before introducing the relationship to his children? His divorce was final 2 months ago. He has dated others - non seriously. He is an avoider by nature. Is his time up?"

You write that he has dated others and that is definitely a red flag. When men say that they are not serious about other dates, they are essentially lying. If you are dating someone for nine months, there is no justification for him dating other women at the same time. I do not approve of non-serious dating unless of course both partners agree that they are dating casually since it is hurting you and also hurting all these other women that he is dating. God knows what he is telling the other women. I would not be surprised if he is telling them exactly what he is telling you. (Related: How to put a relationship on hold?)

To me it appears that he is basically still evaluating his options and you are just one of them since he does not feel that you have passed his test to be introduced to his kids. What I find interesting is that you tell us that he is an avoider by nature. (Related article: How to deal with commitment phobic men?)

Looks like he is not ready for a relationship with you yet. If you are convinced that he is the man for you and you would rather wait and show your commitment to him all this time, it is fine to do so while he evaluates his other options. Remember, though, that he might still leave you for someone else. You need to prepare yourself for this - after all life is all about bets and you could either win or lose this one.
(Related: How to make your boyfriend marry you)

You can also thoroughly evaluate your relationship now and take a hard and honest look at him. Is he a long-term type of a guy ? Will his tendency to avoid responsibility and taking action become an issue at some point? Maybe it is time for you too to diversify your risks by non-seriously dating other men. (Related: Friend with benefits)

Remember you have been dating him for 9 months now and so it is no longer right for him to beat around the bush. I am not sure if you guys have been physically intimate already. If so, he needs to give you

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Women happy dating older men

Only yesterday I tried to convince John that it was perfectly acceptable for him to date a younger woman (he thought he was as old as her father and did not feel that it was ethical to date her). What I am seeing is that women these days are (1) not just hot" to keep a man . It means that our behavior, intelligence, and feelings are more important than the perfect figure. I am 17, and I think I am very mature. I have a 35-year old boyfriend and we are very happy together. Our relationship is going perfectly, but I would like to know if the age difference will be a problem in the future (we are planning to live together)."

My answer to Berenice is the same as I told John. We have now evolved to a point that we no longer believe in the outdated idea that only two people in the same age bracket can have a great relationship. A relationship is much more than just talking about shared experiences. In fact, what I am finding is that couples with age difference can bring a lot of new dimensions to a relationship. Sometimes even a generational gap can be beneficial because it shows the other person how interesting the other generation can be. Couple after couple is telling us that large age gap is no longer a problem and they feel just fine in a relationship where the other partner could very well be from a different generation.

Finally, let us also answer Berenice's question about the future and I am going to quote from what April Masini thinks on the topic. She is not yet talking about marriage (only living together) but what happens when she is just 40 and he is already 58. Will she feel that she still has so many youthful years to look forward while he might be approaching is old age. (Related article: Relationship with younger wife)

April Masini, a contributor to our network of websites, recently spoke to Margot C. Lester of MSN. “There is actually quite a bit that young women have to offer older men besides looks alone,” Masini says. “On the most obvious level, there’s that fun, young energy they have. There’s naiveté, which can be attractive when compared with the cynicism of some older women. There’s a playfulness — a lack of the seriousness that can sometimes accompany being an adult and having responsibility. And, for some men, there’s the fact that these young girls look up to them — as father figures and as mentors. That, in and of itself, is very attractive. If the relationship is… based on the man being a sort of father or mentor figure, problems can – and likely will – arise once [the younger woman] really begins to grow and come into her own. Even for couples where there is little-to-no age discrepancy, people often grow in different directions, leading to the dissolution of the relationship. Like any child breaking away from a parent, she may want to establish more of an independent life, depending on him less and less, perhaps even becoming resentful toward him for the power he has wielded over her. The man she once looked up to begins to become more and more insecure, more possessive, more demanding and more needy as he tries to regain control of the relationship and her. Not only is he unable to regain his position of power in the relationship — he succeeds in driving her away for good. If he simply likes the physical attraction or energy of a younger woman with little concern for what lies beneath the surface, both parties should beware. Fortunately, there are some [women] out there who have their lives together, who are not looking for a father figure, and who just find the stability, wisdom, and maturity of an older man attractive. But if he’s drawn to girls who will idolize and defer to him, he enters into these relationships at his own risk – knowing full-well these can only go so far or last for so long.”

This is what Berenice should watch out for. Why is she attracted to her boyfriend? Because he comes across as the wise man who knows it all and will take care of her? Or is it because they just happen to have the chemistry that brought them together without age being an issue? Does Berenice think that she knows what she is doing, she has thought about the future, and she is stable enough to fight the challenges of any relationship? In my opinion, it is not a good idea to think so far into the future. I have seen relationships of couples with no age difference fall apart in no time. So if Berenice and her boyfriend think that they have the perfect relationship, I see no reason for them to worry at all and just enjoy every beautiful moment of it right now.

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Sex Tips For Geeks: How To Be Sexy

We'll lead off our dissection of the mating game by describing to be sexy. This is a topic many hackers can use serious help with...

The sad truth (which many of you have no doubt already discovered) is that your bulging, tumescent hacker forebrain is just not going to turn on very many women by itself. Okay, you might get lucky and trip over one of the one or two percent of exceptions. But if you bet your sex life on hitting that jackpot you are going to spend an awful lot of Saturday nights alone.
[Comment from a geekgirl here? "Brains do turn some of us on, but..."]

Most women have broader criteria. As do most men; after all, a lot of us Y-chromosome types are notorious for being more immediately interested in a woman's cup size than her IQ. In order to understand why both sexes have the physical and behavioral turn-ons that they do, we need to take a look at the evolutionary biology of human mating.

While human beings often have sex for pleasure, the instincts that drive human mating behavior have been shaped by a deadly serious game of evolutionary selection. Sexually attractive people are those whose characteristics suggest they are well equipped to help you propagate your genetic line successfully. Good looks are sexy because they correlate with health and a robust immune system; wealth and status are sexy because they signal ability to sink high levels of investment into offspring, increasing their chances of surviving to reproduce.

Men's turn-ons average a bit more physical than womens' because women have a higher energy and risk investment in reproduction (childbirth was quite dangerous in pre-modern conditions); therefore, health and beauty have been stronger predictors of reproductive success in women than they are in men. But women are hardly immune to a handsome face and firm muscles -- in fact a good many hackers probably wish women were much less susceptible to these things.

Cathy observes: "You don't need to look like a male model to be `sexy' in the physical department. Even a single good feature can make you attractive enough to be a sexual success."

To be sexy, hackers need to learn how to emit fitness-to-reproduce signals. That much is easy; what's harder is to understand which signals are more or less under your control and how to amplify them.

Women have this relatively easy. Because so much of mens' mating instincts are cued to a woman's appearance, women have spent the last couple thousand years developing technologies to manipulate their appearance effectively -- everything from lipstick to corsets. Female hackers can find most of what they need to know in the pages of teens and womens' magazines. Don't scorn that stuff; it works.

[Comment from a geekgirl here? Maybe something about how if a push-up bra or whatever keeps the man you want from being dazzled by a bimbo it's well worth it.]

There are a few straight physical cues men can hack effectively. Firm muscles is one; a relatively low investment in bicycling or walking or a slightly higher investment in martial-arts training can fit comfortably into the hacker lifestyle. There's no need to overdo this; most women (especially most intelligent women) don't go for the gross-bulk-muscle weightlifter look. It's also useful to know that, given the shape and exposure patterns of men's clothing, a woman is likely to notice the tone of your arms, shoulders, and chest first and most. For a man in shape, a snug-fitting short-sleeved shirt or tank top is the closest sexual-signal equivalent of exposed cleavage on a woman.

Cathy: "I wouldn't overdo the muscle shirt thing -- it's too easy to give the impression that you're gay. Once you have reasonable amounts of muscle to show off, a simple T-shirt will do nicely -- provided it fits snugly and is clean."

Amy: "OK. This is important. Bathe. Bathe often. Wash your hair and brush your teeth. Furthermore, use the stuff you've already got. Muscle tone takes time. But way more than half the geeks I know have beautiful long hair. Very few of them have figured out that greasy hair is disgusting."

Cathy agrees: "I can guarantee that a woman will never willingly get in the sack with you if she thinks you smell bad. Watch your breath, also. Brush often! Especially after eating garlic or other strongly aromatic foods and before approaching a woman in a romantic situation! If you can't brush, tasting like Certs or Altoids is much better than tasting as though you just ate a dead rodent."

Amy: "Fact: Women love long hair! It's an instant chick magnet. It's better than walking puppies in the park! Wash it and wear it down. Toss it around on your shoulders a lot. When my guy does this, women will just walk up and start touching his hair! Wouldn't you like this to happen to you?"

But in general male hackers have it tougher, because the obvious physical signals are relatively less important and other behavioral and status cues more important. Again, this makes adaptive sense given the sexual differences in risk and minimum investment. In our ancestral environment, the man's key question was "is she able to survive the stress of pregnancy and birth to give me many children?", but the woman's key question is "is he both able and willing to provide for me and the children?". (Usually. A woman already mated might have been asking instead "Should I cheat with him, trying to con provider/hubby into raising his kids, in order to capture maximum genetic variation for my offspring?" in which case her criteria were likely to be tilted more towards physical sexiness as an indicator of health.)

Oversimplifying only a little, we can say that women form an instinctive answer to their primary question based on four traits: kindness, wealth, social status, and talent. How they weight these varies -- but men who are gallant, wealthy, powerful, and able have as powerful a sexiness advantage in the mating game as any supermodel (you can just look at who supermodels marry and/or shack up with to confirm this).

"But Eric," I hear you ask, "How am I going to impress her that I'm kind, wealthy, respected, and talented when I'm just a random geek?"

Well, duh. You've got at least one of these knocked already. You're a geek. You're talented -- you are one of the "cognitive elite" in fact. Don't think women don't notice stuff like that. Your bulging hacker forebrain may not get you laid by itself, but if you combine it with a reasonable box score on the other fitness signals you'll start attracting some attention.

For most hackers, probably the easiest instant behavioral signal in the "talent" category is verbal fluency -- articulate speech with good grammar and a large expressive vocabulary. Lean on this -- but not so much that you don't listen.

Amy: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Men who can speak fluently and intelligently are sexy! And as long as we're on the subject, I may like computers but there are other things to talk about."

There are other, traditional ways for men to push the "talented" button. Being a musician or poet is one, and not to be underestimated either. Accountants may do well on the wealth axis but you never hear about Romeo reciting bookkeeping entries to Juliet. For a population with the average IQ of hackers poetry composition should be a relatively easy skill to acquire, and probably more of us than not have the neurological talent for music to begin with.

Cathy: "I don't know whether Eric's right about poetry composition being easy, but that doesn't really matter. Women like having original poetry recited to them, even if it's bad -- it shows you've been thinking about her, and not just about how to get into her pants. If you don't think you're up to trying to write poetry, ask her who her favorite poets are, and practice reading their poems out loud alone until you have the courage to read/recite them to her."

Amy: "However, love sonnets composed in Perl are amusing for at most five minutes, and then only if they haven't been floating around the net since 1994."

Kindness. That's not really difficult either. Being courteous and respectful is something women notice right away -- and being a good listener is something they'll damn near fall in love with you for, over time. Note, however: trying to fake "good listener" is very dangerous, and likely to backfire. Which is why I've often told guys that if you want to have sex with a lot of women, you have to like women first (at least enough to listen to them).

Amy: "My husband always runs up and opens the door for me. He's not a sexist or chauvinist, but he is very considerate. What a yummy change from all the poor-mannered losers I used to date! Believe me, modern women still go all melty over manners and breeding. Dig deep into those backup tapes and find the etiquette your mom taught you. Mom was a woman and she liked you to behave like a gentleman. Maybe other women will too!"

Cathy: "Faking `good listener' backfires if she figures out from your body language or verbal tics (such as the infamous `Yes, dear' of the henpecked husband) that you're not really listening. You wouldn't like someone you were trying to communicate with to brush you off with a canned response, would you? Neither do we."

[Comments from one or more geekgirls on what special thing kindness means to you]

Wealth. This is probably the most difficult fitness signal to simulate if you don't actually have it; expensive is expensive. But you could probably afford to dress a little better than you do. Even if you wear hacker-casual clothes, picking well-made high-end brands with good detailing will pay off when she looks at you.

Amy: "Current wealth status isn't as important as future earnings potential. A few tricks... You don't want to present yourself as a loser. You want to look like the geek whose options are still vesting. Even if your car is a clunker, clean it up. If all you wear is Levis, trash the ones with holes. Wash your clothes as religiously as you check Slashdot. If you don't have money, it pays to show that the stuff you do spend it on is quality. But don't pretend you're rich if you aren't. There's nothing cheesier than a poser."

Cathy: "You can follow this advice even if the budget is limited. Land's End and L.L. Bean offer quality polo shirts, jeans and chinos for reasonable prices and have regular overstock sales on their Web pages and otherwise. At the very least, make sure the shirts and pants you have fit properly and are clean and free of (noticeable) holes."

Social status. Now this is where it gets interesting -- because women can detect this even when you aren't in a context where it's obvious. Being an alpha male in some status hierarchy changes your body language, your sex-hormone levels, and the smell of your sweat. Women home in on men with these traits something fierce -- ask any rock star.

Cathy: "Or ask Eric. His recent notoriety has definitely increased the amount of female attention he gets -- even from me. :-)"

But it isn't that important to a woman's receptors exactly what the status hierarchy is. It could be anything from the neighborhood bowling league up to the government of a world superpower. Or it could be the developer community of a well-known program. What she smells is success, not the specific kind of success.

In fact this effect is so important in human behavior that males actually form all kinds of odd status hierarchies just so they can have a shot at being top of the heap, even when they know in advance that top-of-the-heap won't convey much in the way of power or wealth reward. Clubs and organized hobbies are like this. The hacker culture itself was purely like this until the late 1990s. At bottom, these are all instinctively founded on sexual-selection games.

When we discuss the Art of the Pickup in a later essay, I'll explain how self-confidence is your most important ally when you're chatting up a woman. We're really talking about the same effect here; the signs in body language and physiology that we read as "self-confidence" are also correlates of being an alpha male.

Self-confidence is sexy because for hundreds of generations it has been an indicator of actual status and achievement that was accurate most of the time. Hackers often have trouble believing this; many of us have spent too much time at parties watching women go home with self-confident jerks. But it's true. The modern world no longer features mammoth-hunting, constant intertribal warfare, or manhood ordeals; as a result, there are a lot of overgrown boys out there with exaggerated pseudo-alpha opinions of themselves that women reflexively mistake for actual fitness.

Amy: "It's a simple algorithm. If you act like you know you're cool, people (read: chicks) will buy that you must have some reason for thinking you're cool. Therefore, you must be cool. This lets you climb the coolness ladder and you quickly really become cool. And chicks love guys that are cool. If you doubt this, buy a leather jacket, grow your hair out, and hang out at tradeshows."

It's not necessarily that those women are stupid, it's just that their instinctive templates for `sexy' haven't caught up with reality. Until selective pressure teaches women to have different instincts, there will be little point in trying to fight this.

Cathy: "Actually, some of those women probably are stupid. If they were more intelligent or more sophisticated, they would see past the pheromonal facade created by misplaced self-confidence more often."

Instead, the right counter-strategy for hackers is to work on your self-confidence while you cultivate the other sexy traits that should be readily available to people wired like us. Tone up the bod a little; be articulate; develop some sexy expressive skill like music or poetry; be courteous and a good listener; dress a little sharper; and look for some status hierarchy where you can rise to or near the top.

Trust me, if you do these things women will fall all over themselves trying to get at you. It's wired in about as deeply as your tendency to stop thinking when a woman displays her breasts or legs at you, and for much the same reasons.

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